Yesterday was a rough day for me. A beautiful woman that works for us got a phone call and a friend of hers was gunned down at the bus stop, in front of the police station. She showed no emotion, at all, as I stood and wept over her. Then the day had to move forward.
Am I even equipped?
The tears would not stop coming as I tried to put words to what I was feeling....that could have been any of our workers, why don't they show their grief, how many times have they seen this, how many people have died senseless deaths.......
Am I even equipped?
I sent an email to a dear friend here in South Africa to express the anger, sorrow, and frustration that I felt at the event and how everyone seemed to be "handling" it or not "handling" it. To be completely honest, I was angry at Carla because the day had to move forward...and, well...I just didn't understand how we could just keep going forward. So you know, I didn't stay in that anger! But I wanted to be honest and say I did feel it. Anyway, the Holy Spirit used my friend to remind me that, "the unfortunate thing is that, for many people, this is a daily threat....they live with it."
Am I even equipped?
For those of you that don't know me, I am a verbal processor, for those of you that do....well, you shouldn't be surprised by this next part. I need to say it all out loud, and so, I sent another, more intense letter, to another friend. She is one that helps me see around all the stuff and into the heart of the matter. I threw questions at her like...how do I minister to this, is this compassion overload, how do you just move forward with the day?
Am I even equipped?
The email that I received back was not one that I was prepared to receive. No, she didn't fuss at me for my lack of faith. No, she didn't say, "if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." Nothing like that. She just shared her day, and to be honest, it was rough like mine....Those she loves struggling with some major health issues. Her son and daughter-in-law having to put their sweet dog to sleep. A child, not protected, beaten by their own parents....a hard, rough day. But then she followed up with....
Loneliness, pain and suffering are biting at us; but IN MY JESUS HOLY NAME, none of this wins. No death, no sickness, no lie, no fear will take root in you or I! The blood of Jesus is what covers it all. We lay it down for the JOY OF THE LORD! We run to the Holy Mountain and take refuge in the shadow of Him. We renew and we press in again.
So...
As the sun rises today, I am in a new place. One that says, I may not be equipped with the knowledge of the world on how to handle grief, but...
I am equipped with the knowledge of the Word of God.
I am equipped with the love that flows out of Him, fills me up and then is meant for me to pour out on the brokenhearted.
I am equipped to know that the best place for me to go when my heart is breaking and I don't think I'm equipped, is into His great big loving arms. Allow Him to love on me and fill me again, so that, I can go out and equip others.
I am equipped!
